Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
