don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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