he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
