Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
