No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
