McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
