there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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