Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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