genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
