go do what you do best...puke behind churches
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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