chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
