I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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