Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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