drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
