Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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