I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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