I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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