Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
