Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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