Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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