I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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