just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
