I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
