I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
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