i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
