There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
