i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
