He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
