I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Your cock deserves a montage
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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