So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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