I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
