Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
