It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
