I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
