Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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