I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
