I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
