A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
