So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
