Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
