My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
