I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
