Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
