apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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