Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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