hotel room ftw
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
