i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
