me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
