just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
