I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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