Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
